Question : My mother used to beat me up from age 11-15years. She used the hanger and a belt and I used to have bruises all over and my dad never stopped her. I don’t understand why, I always had good grades and did everything as per their wishes, maybe I was never the perfect son. I have moved to another city for my studies. They shower me with the best of gifts, watches, laptop, phones but they still don’t get me, that’s not what I need. Even despite the beatings, I care for them. When I remind her of what she did, she just denies it. I have started rebelling against them and feel angry thinking about it. Is it wrong to resent them yet love them?Teentalker , 18-year-old
Dear Teentalker,
I’m sorry you had to endure such abuse in your early years. You are one of the bravest people to withstand this kind of a trauma for so many years. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you were at the receiving end of your parent’s frustration which qualifies as abuse. Given the circumstances, it must have been really tough for you back then and now thinking about it, you end up reliving the pain. You resent them yet love them and that in between feeling is the anger you feel. It’s only normal to have these thoughts and feelings. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. They just are. Always remember:
- None of this was your fault
- Consistently give yourself the care and nurturance that you deserved as a child.
Life is full of stressful times, and there is no single person who can claim they have never been stressed but we need to find better and more appropriate ways to cope. Your mom may have been going through something at the time and you ended up being the one she acted it out on. Abuse is never okay and no one deserves it. You know your history best and it seems like you were abused all through your primary developmental years which is significant. Look up about Post traumatic stress and check if that fits how you have been feeling. It will help you reflect and gain insight.
When we go seeking for answers sometimes we get them and sometimes we don’t. We can’t change what happened in the past but we can help you accept it and move forward. Your anger towards them is understandable but it’s more important we don’t let your anger consume you and spill into other areas of your life. When you confronted her about it, she denied it probably because she may not be ready to come to terms with her actions and is on defense when you bring it up. As far as being the perfect son in concerned, there is no such thing! We are fallible human beings! High stress levels correlate to having more aggression. I’d recommend you to go visit a counsellor who will help you manage these emotions of anger and resentment in a healthier way and help you heal the wounds through acceptance and forgiveness. You can rethink how to approach this and build a healthy communication with your parents through therapy.
Hope this helps, if you have any other query do connect online for chat from 11am-8pm or drop us an offline message.
Regards,
Expert Teentalk India